cute funny quotes


The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion

― Fred Allen
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I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

― Tommy Cooper





best funny quotes

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too
― Rodney Dangerfield
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I failed to make the chess team because of my height

― Woody Allen


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Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter

― Mark Twain
Short and most funny quotes

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying

― Oscar Wilde
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Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair

― Sam Ewing
Short funny quotes

Now I started remembering why I dont remember anything!

― Homer Simpson
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I have never let my schooling interfere with my education

― Mark Twain
funny quotes

Experience is the comb life gives you after you lose your hair.

― Judith Stern
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My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not you'll become a philosopher

― Socrates
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The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything

― Oscar Wilde
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My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens

― Rodney Dangerfield
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Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning

― George W. Bush
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I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own

― Les Dawson
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It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man

― H. L. Mencken
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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back

― Oscar Wilde
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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go

― Oscar Wilde
best funny quotes on teachers


Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching

― Oscar Wilde
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Whenever I’m caught between two evils, I take the one I’ve never tried.
― Mae West
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I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter

― Jim Carrey
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Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary

― Robert Louis Stevenson
cute funny quotes on hell


Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company

― Mark Twain
cute funny quotes on stupidity


Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

― Steven Wright
cute funny quotes on age

My mind wanders a lot, but fortunately it's too weak to go very far.
― Bob Thaves
cute funny quotes on stupidity

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience

― Mark Twain
cute funny quotes on old age

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake

― Bob Hope
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The best way to get rid of a telemarketer is to ask them what they are wearing

― H. L. Mencken
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When you come to a fork in the road, take it

― Yogi Berra
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Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone

― Tommy Cooper
cute funny quotes on stupidity

I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew
funniest quotes


Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

― Wendell Johnson
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Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else

― Margaret Mead
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Do not worry if others do not understand you. Instead worry if you do not understand others
― Confucius
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Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know

― Daniel J. Boorstin
most funniest quotes on

I can resist everything except temptation

― Oscar Wilde
most funny quotes about marriage


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience

― Oscar Wilde
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Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity

― George Bernard Shaw
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A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband

― Lao Tzu
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

― Rodney Dangerfield
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Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage

― Ambrose Bierce
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If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married

― Katharine Hepburn
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All tragedies are finished by a death,
All comedies are ended by a marriage

― Lord Byron
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Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl

― Stephen Leacock
most funny quotes about marriage


I believe in love and marriage, but not necessarily with the same person

― John Travolta
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I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late
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Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight

― George Lichtenberg
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Men are April when they woo, December when they wed

― William Shakespeare
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Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution

― Mae West
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher

― Socrates
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The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open

― Groucho Marx
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When a girl marries, she exchanges the attention of many men for the inattention of one

― Helen Rowland
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her

― Sacha Guitry
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Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener

― Pauline Thomason
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Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering
best funny quotes on wedding


Marriage is too interesting an experiment to be tried only once

― Eva Gabor
most funny quotes about marriage


Marriage is a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two

― Ambrose Bierce
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A happy man marries the girl he loves; a happier man loves the girl he marries
most funny quotes about marriage


If it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

― Henny Youngman
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Dammit, sir, it is your duty to get married. You can't be always living for pleasure

― Oscar Wilde
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It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married

― Robert Frost
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Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them

― Ogden Nash
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Marriage halves our joys, doubles our griefs, and quadruples our expenses

― English saying
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One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry

― Oscar Wilde
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My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

― Henny Youngman
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Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed

― Albert Einstein
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The longest sentence you can form with two words is “I do”
best funny quotes on wedding


Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse

― Groucho Marx
most funny quotes about marriage


To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up

― Ogden Nash
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About 80% of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight

― Phyllis Diller
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I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life

― Rita Rudner
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He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of

― Mae West
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I have always thought that every woman should marry, and no man

― Benjamin Disraeli
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A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it

― Zsa Zsa Gabor
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury

― Groucho Marx
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A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished

― Zsa Zsa Gabor
short funny quotes about men


Men are April when they woo, December when they wed

― William Shakespeare
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her
― Sacha Guitry
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When a girl marries, she exchanges the attention of many men for the inattention of one

― Helen Rowland
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About 80% of married men cheat on their wives. The rest cheat in their dreams
best funny quotes about men

A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it

― Helen Rowland
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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man

― Lana Turner
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Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV

― Jerry Seinfeld
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If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer

― Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
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For just one night let’s not be co-workers. Let's be co-people

― Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
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Time wounds all heels
― Go West
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I'm a mog - half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend

― Spaceballs
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A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti

― The Silence of the Lambs
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Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the WAR ROOM!

― Dr. Strangelove
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Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place

― City Slickers
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Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes

― Naked Gun 33 ½ : The Final Insult
best funny quotes on wife


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her

― Sacha Guitry
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I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house

― Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight
― Phyllis Diller
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

― Rodney Dangerfield
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By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher

― Socrates
funny wife quotes

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her

― Rodney Dangerfield
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong

― Milton Berle
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I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't

― Patrick Murray
best funny quotes about women


Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.

― Oscar Wilde
most funny quotes on women


A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man

― Lana Turner
best funny quotes about women


There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments

― Chris Rock
most funny quotes on women


A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon

― Arnold Haultain
best funny quotes about women


As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied

― Oscar Wilde
most funny quotes on women


Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world

― Marilyn Monroe.
best funny quotes about women


A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it

― Helen Rowland
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Every woman is wrong until she cries, and then she is right - instantly

― Sam Slick
best funny quotes about women


Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.

― Oscar Wilde
best funny quotes on work


I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by

― Douglas Adams
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I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early

― Charles Lamb
best funny quotes on work


By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day

― Robert Frost
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All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work

― Steve Martin
best funny quotes on work


Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion

― Parkinson's law
most funny quotes about work


I never put off till tomorrow what I can possibly do - the day after

― Oscar Wilde
best funny quotes on work


I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by

― Douglas Adams
most funny quotes about work


I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early

― Charles Lamb
most Humorous Quotes


If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner

― Tallulah Bankhead
most Humorous Quotes


Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone

― Anthony Burgess
most Humorous Quotes

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof
― Rodney Dangerfield
Humorous Quotes


I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars

― Fred Allen
most Humorous Quotes

The only time a woman can really succeed in changing a man is when he is a baby

― Natalie Wood
Short and most Humorous Quotes


Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate

― Mark Twain
most Humorous Quotes on money


Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

― Joey Adams
very Short Humorous Quotes

One man's folly is another man's wife.

― Helen Rowland
most Humorous Quotes


As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

― Buddy Hackett
Humorous Quotes


I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

― Lily Tomlin
most Humorous Quotes

Bachelors think that 'marriage' is a word. Married people know that it's actually a sentence

― VVL Raju
Humorous Quotes about marriage


He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

― Zsa Zsa Gabor
most Humorous Quotes


My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.

― Cynthia Walker McCullough
most Humorous Quotes

Belgium is a country invented by the British to annoy the French

― Charles de Gaulle, President of France
very Humorous Quotes

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.

― Agatha Christie
most Humorous Quotes

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close knit family in another city

― George Burns
very Humorous Quotes

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children

― Clarence Darrow
short funny quotes


Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone

― Anthony Burgess
short funny quotes


Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot

― Oscar Wilde
very shory funny quotes

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading
― Henny Youngman
short and most funny quotes

War does not determine who is right - only who is left

― Bertrand Russell
most funny short quotes

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband

― Lao Tzu
Short and most funny quotes

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong

― Charles Wadsworth
most funny quotes about money

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it

― Bob Hope
very Short funny quotes

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife

― Prince Philip
most funny quotes

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick

― George Burns
very Short funny quotes

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy

― Sam Levenson
short funny quotes about kids

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children

― Clarence Darrow
funny quotes about family

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city

― George Burns
short funny quotes

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on

― Marilyn Monroe
funny quotes about marriage

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

― Rodney Dangerfield
very cute quotes about life

Belgium is a country invented by the British to annoy the French

― Charles de Gaulle
Short funny quotes

It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours

― Harry S Truman
Short funny quotes

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant

― Robert McCloskey
witty quotes


I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years

― Sam Kinison
most funny witty quotes


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife

― Anonymous
most witty quotes on children

Love is talking about having children. Marriage is talking about getting away from children
― Rodney Dangerfield
wedding funny quotes


Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier

― H. L. Mencken
most funny quotes on age

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free

― Anonymous
Short and most witty quotes


Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others

― Oscar Wilde
most witty quotes on money


Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too

― H. L. Mencken
very Short witty quotes

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me

― Rodney Dangerfield
most witty quotes on education


Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city

― George Burns
witty quotes on jobs


Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.

― Ronald Reagan
most witty quotes

All generalizations are false, including this one

― Mark Twain
witty quotes about truth


I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true

― ? Katherine Hepburn
most witty quotes


By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean

― Mark Twain
most witty quotes

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory

― Rita Mae Brown
very witty quotes

When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic

― Jane Wagner
most witty quotes

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else

― Margaret Mead
very witty quotes

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do

― Isaac Asimov